Over the course of my life, my relationship towards Halloween has gone through so many phases, it’s difficult to determine how I feel about it now. Here’s how it’s broken down so far:
– Age 5 through 10. When you’re seven years old, Halloween is the single greatest thing that’s ever been created. It’s almost seemed criminal how amazing it is. I remember getting back from a long night of trick-or-treating, pouring my candy out onto the floor of my living room, separating it into tiers and making elaborate trades with my brother (since he had the less discerning taste buds at the time, it was almost always a volume-for-quality exchange).
– Age 10 through 12. “Are we still doing this?” Hell yeah, we’re still doing this. Are you kidding?
– Age 12 through 13. “Are we still doing this?” Sure, why not. But this is when the trouble starts, when the true terror of Halloween hits because you start to feel old. Moms murmur disapprovingly amongst one another and little kids give you genuinely terrified looks as you elbow them out of the way to reach the candy. It’s also the funny period where you’ve really got a handle on the business of Halloween, so you try to cheat the system by taking shortcuts like getting your dad to drive you from house to house, or only knocking on doors where you know they give out the good stuff, etc. You’re a little too savvy, though, and it eats at you. On the flip side, you do bring in a devastating amount of candy during these years.
– Age 14 through 17. Halloween used to be the single greatest night of the year and now it kind of sucks. So, without fully realizing it, you decide to become an agent of chaos. You’re destroying other people’s decorations, egging and “TP-ing” houses. It’s kind of fun, but the feeling of release that accompanies these devilish errands quickly gives way to a sea of melancholy and angst.
– Age 18 through 22. Starting towards the end of high school and then really taking hold in college, Halloween is entirely transformed by the idea of sex, which manifests itself in the costume party. Girls dress like sluts (this has been well documented and needs no further explanation), and you choose your costume partially based on how well it will conceal an erection. Sex is awesome (obv), but a lot of the weirdness that makes Halloween great is removed from the night altogether. One year in college, my friend dressed up in a full beaver suit, like a mascot beaver suit, and he got just as much credit as the D who went as a 70’s tennis player or whatever.
– Age 23 through ??? This is kind of what I’m in now and it’s not that sweet. Like everything else during this time period, it’s treated somewhat ironically, and people are never quite sure how full-on to go with the whole thing. I once read a magazine that said that Halloween is a time to go public with your fetish, which I guess is true for some empowered hipsters somewhere, but for me it’s still kind of a time where I used to get a boatload of candy, which I would eat three pieces a day over the course of 6-11 weeks. Whatever, I still like it.
Here’s a preview of the next stage, when your main concern is that your kid doesn’t embarrass the hell out of you in public.
Amazing post, Nate. I’m hoping to stay ahead of the 23-??? phase for as long as possible!
One awkward feature of my childhood trick-or-treating was also foreign neighbors who didn’t understand the golden rule that all candy should be wrapped and we would look nervously at our parents as we took those gummy spearmint leaves and brownies. And then you’re just supposed to dump it in the bag with the rest of your candy?
“..but for me it’s still kind of a time where I used to get a boatload of candy..”
hahaha at your best still…nice work, more public racing videos much needed though
still think the beaver suit was one of my better ideas in college.